MUCH better!!

The last post I published, I was balling my eyes out as I typed. Oh me. What a time in my life that I will never forget. You know what? I've made it past it! and I FINALLY got my answer from God, requiring yet another change!
Later on the same day of that last post, I changed my tune. I told God that I wasn't going to ask him which school route to take but I was going to tell him that I wanted to make a decision that was going to allow me to be the best mom I could be. If it was homeschooling him, I could do it, if it was taking him to school and just loving him to pieces when he came home, I could do it, I just needed to know which way I'd be a better mom. On Thursday, I got Carson up to take him BACK to school. He cried and begged and pleaded with me not to take him, and I gave in, one last time I thought. My daddy called me later in the morning just to check on me and see how things were going. I told him about the morning and how I just could not take him the way he was and leave him. Later on that morning, Carson had some focusing issues and I was becoming a little frustrated. In the midst of it all, he asked to go back to Saltillo. Increasing my frustration level I realized I could not start out on something so shakey, and that if he was going to ask to go back, since this was the second day for these comments, I needed to take action. I honestly felt like God had hand picked everything about Saltillo primary especially for him and me this year. After a lecture we loaded up and went BACK to school at 1230. He had officially been withdrawn but no new students had arrived and taken his place so he went right back where he left off. He told me when I picked him up that all his friends came running up to him and said, "Carson, you're back" with arms open wide for lots of hugs! How happy that made me feel!
At any rate when I left school that day, I called my Daddy. I have an AWESOME daddy! He had prayed a very specific prayer for me that I had no idea he was praying. He prayed that the Lord would do whatever he had to do to let me make a clear decision and have no guilt attached to it. He even prayed that my frustration level would reach a height of no confusion on an answer. And do you know what? Within 30 minutes of that prayer, the Lord took Carson and I to a level of frustration that made everything clear! I knew I could only trust him at that point and not doubt the decision that had been made. God placed my little boy in a classroom with a christian teacher, one I've known since high school, he gave him a homeschooled reading teacher, who understands why parents homeschool and what it's like to be homeschooled, and he placed some awesome boys and girls in his class from his own Sunday School class to hold him accountable and be examples. Without a doubt I know we are taken care of and I just thank God for showing me the direction to take that will help me be a better mama right now during this season in our lives! I also thank him for an earthly father who still prays for his little girl and the struggles she goes through as a mother!
And for all my friends who listened to me literally sob during all this and offered a listening ear as I tried every day to figure it out! not to mention the prayers! I'm blessed in so many ways!

This Photobucket thing...

Does anyone know how to get this off? I have no idea how it got there but it's in the way!

Shawna

BTW -- I don't know why I didn't think to visit Focus on the Family's website for some direction. I love me some James Dobson and value his insight on many, many topics. After another difficult night at work and feeling like I was having palpitations in whether I was going home to get a little man ready for school, I found a lot of encouraging information on Focus' website regarding school choices/decisions and young children. One being "what parents can teach young children in informal one-on-one interactions surpasses what their little minds can absorb sitting among 25 age-mates in a classroom" and how research now validates the wisdom of keeping boys and girls in a protected environment until they have achieved a greater degree of maturity, it is noted that they benefit emotionally as well as typically make better progress academically. Dr. Dobson also goes on to say, if he and his wife were raising their children again, they would home school them for at least the first few years. BTW again --- I'm not typing this on here to be valuable information to anyone else, I'm doing it so that when I doubt myself and my decision I can come back and re-read it for encouragement!

Crossroads in my life..

I have never felt more at a crossroad in my life than now. Normally, I realize there is a decision I have to make and sometimes it's so obvious it doesn't even require much thought. Other times, it takes a little time and prayers, and then the answer is still clear. This has been a summer of struggles for me and I feel like I'm in the middle of the see-saw and each time I decide which end I want to inch towards, I scoot right back to the middle, trying to balance it out.
For most of you that read this when I update it, you know that I have had a tremendous struggle with public school or homeschool. The decision was made last year to homeschool Carson b/c we had decided to hold him back d/t his birthday and I didn't really want him to repeat kindergarten or first grade, so we did something new. I remember this decision was semi difficult but I of course analyzed it to the max, made the decision, cried the "first day of school" b/c I felt guilty for not sending him but after that I was fine, he was fine and we made it, with no regrets. Actually, no regrets, leading me to wonder if I should do it again.
I don't even have time to go through all the avenues I've walked trying to make this decision but one of them is inadequacy. Most homeschool mom's you know are solely stay home moms. I'm not, I have to work outside the home, thankfully, it's only part-time but it's still a job and the way I have chosen to do it, is work at night, so that I can be home with my kids during the day. This in turn leads to exhaustion on some days but I make it! Most homeschool moms aren't in college. This too is not the case for me, b/c I realize I will have to go back to work full time one day, I decided -- with a good bit of analyzing-- that I wanted a more "normal" job before my kids were grown and gone. Therefore, going back to school for a different nursing job was the answer, and on paper, the direction was clear---to teach nursing. God has affirmed this to me in several ways since I got accepted in the spring and started the program in June. This too is on a part time status so please don't think I'm taking 9 hours of graduate classes, working 40 hours a week and homeschooling my child!
Vince had wanted me to homeschool again this year --- just this one more year --- to lay some more concrete down as a foundation. I was considerate of his request but at the same time he did not want to "put too much on me, or more than I could handle". I wanted to do what the Lord, wanted us to do and did not want to make the decision myself. I wanted a clear answer that was no denying that was the road to take. Guess what? I still don't think I've got it, I'm still standing in the middle of the two roads and it's past time for a decision. I honestly felt like God was saying, "you've got to make this one and I'll be there on the road with you, no matter which one you take". I did pray for signs and I did get them, Rainbows --- "Shawna, TRUST ME! to take care of you and your family and your little boy, comments from my preacher------"when you have the opportunity to invest in your children for ETERNITY, take it", Emails from friends ---- "GUIDANCE -- stands for God, U(you) and I, DANCE --let God lead the dance and I will follow, running in to an old friend at Wal-Mart who has all her Abeka homeschool cirriculum for sale 1/4 price.....the answer was obvious THEN I got the call from the one first grade teacher that I had hoped if he went to public school he'd get. And guess what? he was in her class. Oh, Lord, I need help so bad, a push in the right direction!!!
At any rate, I took him to school 2 hours late on Thursday, the first day of school, with not the first school supply b/c I woke up with an overwhelming guilt that I was keeping him from proper education and that he'd surely get something that he'd need that I failed to teach him. This has torn me apart. I was an emotional wreck the whole, entire day and the next. He cried at the door, but went on in. I cried at home. I took him back on Friday b/c the counselor asked me to, and same story. He cried at the door but went on in, I cried even more. But he was so happy when I picked him up. Over the weekend I worked and asked Vince to please make a decision and let me know that emotionally I could not handle this anymore. Why is this so easy for some and such a hard decision for me??? I'm a mama like everyone else and they don't have this much trouble, or do they?
Anyway, the decision was made to homeschool this one more year. And you know what, I've cried over it too, b/c I'm still feeling like I'm inadequate and he'd like school better.
Yesterday I worked and a friend of mine had invited me to a women's conference at her church in Corinth. She brought me a flyer on the topic...Jochebed, Moses mom. This overwhelmed me with guilt again... it's says, "have you ever wondered why a loving God would bring you to a crossroad and silently wait for your response? Have you struggled with the realization that you must release someone you love dearly and trust the invisible hand of God to hold them for you? Ultimately, we must all surrender our will, our desire to control, and even surrender our desire to protect into the invisible hand of God. He kept Jochebed's baby alive and that basket afloat! And he will do the same for us!" Oh my goodness, tears were POURING again. I took this as, I've got to take him to school, he has to go, I've got to put him in that basket and TRUST GOD! But you know God speaks to us in different ways. I showed the paper to Vince and asked him to read it and tell me what he thought. He read it and said, "it's saying we've got to let them go" and my next question was to him, "do you think it means now, with this whole school ordeal?" and he's reply to me was..... "No, Shawna, his basket isn't ready and we're getting him ready to put in it" Thank you God for husbands. Please give me a peace about our decision, please give me affirmation when I need it and energy and time I need to devote to it. Please, one day, let me look back and see the big picture and how you were here through it all and walked down this road with us. I can't keep standing at the crossroads and I've made the first step but I need help to keep going! Please watch over Carson's class at school, his friends there, his teacher, keep them safe and under your care and prepare us and our hearts for what is in store for next year. Help me to not have regrets about this decision and to know that you are in control and to know you told me you'd take care of me whichever way we chose.

Shawna

Well, it's August....

So, the last post I made it was the first of July and now, whoa, it's August. Sometimes do you post things and then go back and read them, thinking of how you needed to hear what you said previously??? I have not been on this blog since that last post and boy did I need to read what I wrote then!
I'm finally finished with my first graduate class and my grades should be posted today. I got an e-mail from my professor saying she had forgotten to add some extra points to my average, which in turn raised me a complete letter grade. I'm hoping that means I got an "A". I have put great pressure on myself, not meaning to, but doing it anyway, to be a success in school. I have no idea why making good grades is so much more important to me now than it was 16 years ago but maybe it's my age.
For any of you that have been around me the past couple of weeks, you know I've also been stressed out beyond measure regarding a very special little boy in my life, you guessed it, his name is Carson.
I can barely type this without my eyes filling with tears but I am so torn about school, here two days before it starts. I know that school is a "normal" place and there are so many of you that I have ultimate respect for that are about to send your babies off to school. I also know that one day my babies will go off to school as well. I cannot figure out why this is such a tough decision for me. I want him to be at both, home and school and am having great difficulty in seeing through it all to see what is the best for us right now, in the immediate, but basing it on the eternal. I honestly LOVED the fun and freedom we had together last year at home but I want him to be with all his buddies from church and Calvary and baseball and boy scouts, that will be at Saltillo. I wish I could alternate a week at a time but that's not life. This is a decision that I have to make and have to have faith and Trust in God. No matter what we decide before Thursday, the first day of "school" I'm sure it will be an emotional day. I'll either be dropping my baby boy off at school, or I'll be keeping him home, "one more year". Only God can see but I'm sure he's going to take care of me!
With all that said, for all of you who have given me a hug, told me you were praying for me, and have listened to me sob, I appreciate you, and I value the friendship that I have in you! Please continue to pray for us, I still need it!
On a happy note, Vince went for his 3 month repeat chest CT this past week and there were no changes. He will go again in 6 months and then will be able to have regular chest xrays after that if still no changes. Dr. Ungo still doesn't know what his scarring is from, but it's nothing to be treated right now and we are thankful for this news!