Crossroads in my life..

I have never felt more at a crossroad in my life than now. Normally, I realize there is a decision I have to make and sometimes it's so obvious it doesn't even require much thought. Other times, it takes a little time and prayers, and then the answer is still clear. This has been a summer of struggles for me and I feel like I'm in the middle of the see-saw and each time I decide which end I want to inch towards, I scoot right back to the middle, trying to balance it out.
For most of you that read this when I update it, you know that I have had a tremendous struggle with public school or homeschool. The decision was made last year to homeschool Carson b/c we had decided to hold him back d/t his birthday and I didn't really want him to repeat kindergarten or first grade, so we did something new. I remember this decision was semi difficult but I of course analyzed it to the max, made the decision, cried the "first day of school" b/c I felt guilty for not sending him but after that I was fine, he was fine and we made it, with no regrets. Actually, no regrets, leading me to wonder if I should do it again.
I don't even have time to go through all the avenues I've walked trying to make this decision but one of them is inadequacy. Most homeschool mom's you know are solely stay home moms. I'm not, I have to work outside the home, thankfully, it's only part-time but it's still a job and the way I have chosen to do it, is work at night, so that I can be home with my kids during the day. This in turn leads to exhaustion on some days but I make it! Most homeschool moms aren't in college. This too is not the case for me, b/c I realize I will have to go back to work full time one day, I decided -- with a good bit of analyzing-- that I wanted a more "normal" job before my kids were grown and gone. Therefore, going back to school for a different nursing job was the answer, and on paper, the direction was clear---to teach nursing. God has affirmed this to me in several ways since I got accepted in the spring and started the program in June. This too is on a part time status so please don't think I'm taking 9 hours of graduate classes, working 40 hours a week and homeschooling my child!
Vince had wanted me to homeschool again this year --- just this one more year --- to lay some more concrete down as a foundation. I was considerate of his request but at the same time he did not want to "put too much on me, or more than I could handle". I wanted to do what the Lord, wanted us to do and did not want to make the decision myself. I wanted a clear answer that was no denying that was the road to take. Guess what? I still don't think I've got it, I'm still standing in the middle of the two roads and it's past time for a decision. I honestly felt like God was saying, "you've got to make this one and I'll be there on the road with you, no matter which one you take". I did pray for signs and I did get them, Rainbows --- "Shawna, TRUST ME! to take care of you and your family and your little boy, comments from my preacher------"when you have the opportunity to invest in your children for ETERNITY, take it", Emails from friends ---- "GUIDANCE -- stands for God, U(you) and I, DANCE --let God lead the dance and I will follow, running in to an old friend at Wal-Mart who has all her Abeka homeschool cirriculum for sale 1/4 price.....the answer was obvious THEN I got the call from the one first grade teacher that I had hoped if he went to public school he'd get. And guess what? he was in her class. Oh, Lord, I need help so bad, a push in the right direction!!!
At any rate, I took him to school 2 hours late on Thursday, the first day of school, with not the first school supply b/c I woke up with an overwhelming guilt that I was keeping him from proper education and that he'd surely get something that he'd need that I failed to teach him. This has torn me apart. I was an emotional wreck the whole, entire day and the next. He cried at the door, but went on in. I cried at home. I took him back on Friday b/c the counselor asked me to, and same story. He cried at the door but went on in, I cried even more. But he was so happy when I picked him up. Over the weekend I worked and asked Vince to please make a decision and let me know that emotionally I could not handle this anymore. Why is this so easy for some and such a hard decision for me??? I'm a mama like everyone else and they don't have this much trouble, or do they?
Anyway, the decision was made to homeschool this one more year. And you know what, I've cried over it too, b/c I'm still feeling like I'm inadequate and he'd like school better.
Yesterday I worked and a friend of mine had invited me to a women's conference at her church in Corinth. She brought me a flyer on the topic...Jochebed, Moses mom. This overwhelmed me with guilt again... it's says, "have you ever wondered why a loving God would bring you to a crossroad and silently wait for your response? Have you struggled with the realization that you must release someone you love dearly and trust the invisible hand of God to hold them for you? Ultimately, we must all surrender our will, our desire to control, and even surrender our desire to protect into the invisible hand of God. He kept Jochebed's baby alive and that basket afloat! And he will do the same for us!" Oh my goodness, tears were POURING again. I took this as, I've got to take him to school, he has to go, I've got to put him in that basket and TRUST GOD! But you know God speaks to us in different ways. I showed the paper to Vince and asked him to read it and tell me what he thought. He read it and said, "it's saying we've got to let them go" and my next question was to him, "do you think it means now, with this whole school ordeal?" and he's reply to me was..... "No, Shawna, his basket isn't ready and we're getting him ready to put in it" Thank you God for husbands. Please give me a peace about our decision, please give me affirmation when I need it and energy and time I need to devote to it. Please, one day, let me look back and see the big picture and how you were here through it all and walked down this road with us. I can't keep standing at the crossroads and I've made the first step but I need help to keep going! Please watch over Carson's class at school, his friends there, his teacher, keep them safe and under your care and prepare us and our hearts for what is in store for next year. Help me to not have regrets about this decision and to know that you are in control and to know you told me you'd take care of me whichever way we chose.

Shawna